Part 16--"Hooter's"

THE HOT MAN FANFIC—PART 16

Recap: Allison, Keanu, Raabia, and Lauren are in the trailer. Keanu has practically eaten all the Bugles in the trailer. Sadly, they were as old as himself. Johnny and James are in Hooter’s, looking for Viki and Robert.

Raabia: The date on this pack of Bugles was 1964.

Keanu: *choke* what?

Raabia: NINETEEN SIXTY-FREAKIN-FOUR!

Allison: So can I have your arm yet?

Keanu: What? No!

Lauren: *shrieks* ALIENS! *disappears in a cloud of smoke*

Allison: Whoa.

Keanu: Hey, that’s my catchphrase..

MEANWHILE-HOOTER’S

Johnny and James have found Robert.

Johnny: Oh heavens!

James: Would ya look at THAT…

Robert: *drowning in his own drool* Ugh...Ugh… BA-DA-BA-BA-BAAA!!!

Johnny: Robert! Robert! It’s us!

Robert: Who?

Johnny: Me! Johnny! Johnny Depp!

James: Way to blow our cover you LUNATIC!

Drunk Guy: IT’S JOHNNY DEPP! I CALL HIM FIRST!

Drunk Guy’s Boyfriend: LET’S SHARE!

Some black girl: I heard he’s got a big ego…

James: *shrieks* GAY PEOPLE! *grabs Johnny & Robert, runs through back door*

TRAILER- A FEW SECONDS LATER

Allison: Did you hear something?

Raabia: Nope. Where’s bugel-boy?

Keanu (in bathroom): Hey! I heard tha-HOLY FISHPASTE!

Allison: What?

Keanu (in bathroom): I have discovered the side effects of 45 year old bugles!

Raabia: … What, did you crap out spider monkeys or somethin-

Keanu (in bathroom): MAJOR SHRINKAGE, MAN!

James: *bashes in through trailer door* WE’VE GOT HIM!

Robert: What the humerus is going on?

Keanu (in bathroom): My pee-pee is the size of a pinky phalange!

Raabia: *pulls out anatomy homework*

Allison: Raabia! Put away your homework!

Raabia: I can’t help it! I’m Canadian!

Allison: But how does being Canadian help with homework..

Raabia: …*puts away homework* Okay. So, Robert, How are you?

Robert: I’m cranky as heck. WHERE’S THE DAMN SNACK BAR?

Johnny: We don’t have one!

Robert: *breaks free from James’s grasp, stomps over to bathroom, rips off door*

Keanu: …

Robert: You sir, do not possess an organ vital to the male human’s body.

Keanu: *is abducted by aliens. His pants are left behind.*

Raabia: @#$%!

James: What is with this extra-terrestrial phenomena!!!??

ALIEN SPACESHIP

Aibaar: We have captured Neo.

Ikiv: Yes. Now we must capture Jack.

Lauren: *wakes up strapped to a lab table* Where am I? Viki! You’re here! Wait.. why do I see just your head?

Ikiv: I am not this ‘Viki’ you speak of. I am in a human replica of Victoria Saunders’ skull.

Aibaar: Tell us where to find Viki. We need her DNA. Ikiv’s human skull deteriorates every two days.

Ikiv: I like this human skull. It suits me.

Unaek: *replicates Keanu’s DNA* How do I look?

Keanu: *wakes up strapped to another lab table* Take off my face and use someone else’s!

Unaek: No, Neo. I enjoy using yours.

Keanu: Stop calling me neo. I’m a freakin’ actor. Or a boobless actress, since I lost my pee pee.

Unaek: What is an actor? We simply know your DNA as the DNA of Neo.

Keanu: Oh, god.

Unaek: I do not understand.

Aibaar: Let us analyze this specimen. We have not yet understood what keeps the males from the females in the human anatomy.

Lauren: Okay this is freaky. Raabia’s floating face wants to ‘analyze’ Keanu. Viki’s floating face wants to find Viki…I’m so exhausted.

Keanu: Uhm… aliens?

Aibaar, Unaek, & Ikiv: Que eres tu problema?

Keanu: I need to take a dump.

MEANWHILE- TRAILER

Raabia: All I have left…*wimper* is his PANTS!!

James: Where’s Lauren?

Allison: She’s in the same spot he is.

Johnny: We need to find Viki.

Viki: *bursts in through the whole in the roof where Lauren was abucted. See, if she bursted in through the whole in the roof where Keanu was abducted, she would have landed on Raabia, who was cradling Keanu’s pants.* HI JOHNNY!

Johnny: My love! You’re here! *hugs Viki*

Viki: Hi Allison! Hi Raabia! Where’s Lauren? Keanu? Nancy?

James: *sigh* She..she was abducted.

Raabia: HE WAS ABDUCTED!!!

Nancy: *in the sun like the baby from Teletubbies* I was too. They did something to me..now I warm people’s hearts!

Viki: Wow. Tough bananas! We’ve got to save everyone…

Robert: Aren’t you guys gonna cure me first?

Viki: You seem pretty normal-

Robert:-AND I STILL HAVEN’T FOUND THE DAMN SNACK BAR!

Viki:-nevermind.

ALIEN SPACESHIP

Lauren’s been given the opportunity to play in the spaceship’s arcade. Keanu is done with his dump.

Keanu: I’ve gotten rid of the bugles! My pee pee is back!

Ikiv: What is a pee pee?

Aibaar: *straps Keanu back down to the lab table with the assistance of ‘the force’*

Keanu: Wow.

Aibaar: *inspects specimen* The pee pee must be this…

Keanu: Get your hand off my..oh. You don’t have hands. Stop using the force on my pee pee!

Ikiv: But your pheromone levels suggest that it is good for the human body…

Keanu: Okay seriously stop. STOP!

Unaek: Our specimen’s heart rate is sky rocketing!

Lauren: *walks into lab room* What’s going on? Oh dear.

Ikiv: Aibaar, continue analyzing the pee pee through the force. I shall abduct another…

TRAILER

Raabia: They’re probably giving him so much pain!

Johnny: Viki, we must do something.

Viki: Raabia, what if we infiltrated the spaceship?

Raabia: *is abducted*

Viki: She’ll know what to do.

Allison: This is depressing. I wish I could help. What should I do?

Johnny: Well…you could step out of the trailer for a moment.

Allison: For what?

Viki: Johnny, not now.

Allison: Oh my…Viki! He could be your father’s age!

Viki: I just wanted to see his tattoos!

Allison: Oh! Sorry!

ALIEN SPACESHIP

Keanu: I can’t believe this is happening!

Aibaar: *continues assault using the force*

Raabia: *appears out of nowhere* Where am I? KEANU! LAUREN!

Keanu: H-HELP!

Raabia: *kicks Aibaar*

Lauren: *laughs at the image of Raabia kicking a flying Raabia head*

Ikiv: No!

Lauren: *kicks Ikiv*

The spaceship deflates like a balloon and skids through the forest to a stop in front of the trailer.

Viki: Did you hear something?

Johnny: Nothing but the beating of our hearts, love.

Allison: Hey! It’s them!

Lauren: JAMES! My BABY!

James: LAUREN! *hugs Lauren*

Viki: Where’s Ted?

Keanu: Here.

Viki: And Raabia?

Keanu: *points behind a tree, where Raabia is still kicking dead Aibaar*

Viki: Raabia! Leave your head alone!

Raabia: It SEXUALLY ASSAULTED my IDOL!

Robert: Keanu, you’re back! Yay! Now tell me where the snack bar is or I’ll-

Raabia: *runs from dead Aibaar to tackle Robert*

Robert:-AAHH!

Raabia: DON’T TOUCH MY BABY!

Keanu: …I like this!

Allison: So I can’t have your arm?

Keanu: No…sorry…But you can have Robert’s! I’m sure Raabia will rip it off for you.

Allison: Yay! Thanks!

James: I love you Lauren! I really do!

Lauren: Me too!

Nancy: *giggles from above*

Johnny: ALRIGHT! Everyone! The fires are still raging! 2012 is upon us! Robert is sick! My bag is with Hugh Jackman! We must get moving!

Viki: Everyone in the trailer!

Allison drives the trailer away, as everybody sings Kumbaya.

Unaek: *behind a tree* I will get revenge soon… you humans! Pathetic fiends…ruined my ship…

TO BE CONTINUED